Thursday, April 30, 2009


Within the last year or so my sister and cousin have been put on this popular medication. This isn't to poke fun or make light of people with any type of disorder. Moreso, it seems like they have both gotten a bit worse from taking the meds. My cousin, who is very extroverted and a bs starter has now also added agressiveness to her roster. Before the meds she wasn't like this at all.

My sis who was already the most negative person I know now seems to just not know when to fight her battles. It's like everything is a fight with her. She has to be confrontational and she has to get the last word. She even tried to get into a physical altercation with another relative while they were at work, mind you, they work for the government. The issue was nowhere near serious where it should have escalated to you causing a commotion at your job with your family in front of a bunch of strangers.

To make matters worse you're not supposed to consume alcoholic beverages while on this medication but my sister seems to think that's just because they don't want her to have a good time. Friday night, she was about to take the pill with a wine cooler before my cousin who is also on the pills told her that wasn't a wise idea.

It bothers me how people who take medicines for different disorders joke around about how they must be crazy because they're on a prescribed medication. You aren't THAT crazy, you are fully aware of what you're doing. She's also seeing a psychiatrist who I feels is one of the types who just wants to medicate patients rather than actually getting to the problem.

I try to brush off a lot that my sister does because I know that she has some issues going on but sometimes I want to smack her, like yesterday for example. I got a call from the same relative she tried to fight last month saying that my sister said I had an issue with her but that for some reason I won't confront her myself. Not only is this not true, but if it was, why would you go to someone and say something like that? Other than to look for some mess to get started.

I have just been trying to keep my distance lately before I end up reacting to a person that clearly has problems.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Scattered Thoughts

Work has been really busy these past few days. I had an impromptu meeting Friday which informed me basically how crappy of a job I was doing. If thats not how she meant it then it sure looked that way. Funny how bosses can be the ones who makes mistakes but somehow its your fault and your issue.

All I can look forward to while I'm here is the day I give them my two-week notice. I never believed in people putting in notice and showing their a**es but these women here make me want to become a statistic.

Over the weekend, I drove my mom to Kentucky for my great aunt's funeral. The drive was pretty good although I hurt my mom's feelings. She has a tendency to overload me with questions rather than just have a conversation with me. I have a friend that does this to me too and I just don't like it. Maybe it is something that I need to work on. But by the end of the trip my mom and I were laughing and talking about the good ole' days.

My grandfather was rushed to the ER last night. He recently had a feeding tube inserted and he was bleeding out from it. They are running tests now but luckily they got the bleeding to stop.

I am trying not to count down until I see Toot again. We have still been consistent with our phone conversations and we both miss each other. Okay, so can I share with you guys that he is a planner. This is rare for me meeting a man who actually does what he says and I want to embrace it and not be scared of it. He has plans for me..for us...We'll see how things end up coming together.

Why did my ex that I broke up with last March call me the other day? He has this twisted idea that its alright for him to call me even though I've asked him not to. Think I'm being harsh? Let's see, he lied about his age, his marital status, which was MARRIED and the age of his own daughter who wasn't 12 but 18. I want him to go away. I don't think I should have to change my number to get him to leave my life for good. I haven't had a phone conversation with him since we broke up but he is adamant on calling and I am passionate about not picking up. After all that he did, he tells me that I'm not being Christian-like to not take his calls. He says that he is doing what any saved man would do. His mind is so warped its ridiculous.

I know this is all over, hopefully I can get my thoughts together for a real post.

Friday, April 24, 2009

JT Part 2

So after getting that message on my machine I immediately called JT going off about the foolishness. He swore that it was nobody he knew and said that it must have been one of my friends. His rationale was if it was a chick he knew, why would she speak negatively about him and call him a name? So I retorted with the same comment about it being a friend of mine. I thought that his sister had something to do with it because she never really cared for me but after a week, I just dropped it.

A month or so later JT got into some trouble and was sent off to Job Corps. I told him we should just break up because I know how things went when males and females all lived in close quarters and I wasn't thinking about having sex at sixteen and he would be all around it. He of course assured me that I had nothing to worry about and even went so far as to say that he wouldn't go to the program if I was going to break up with him. Since I was a sucker in love, I told him we could still be together.

In the beginning he'd call every couple days and the calls began dwindling. The girls in their 20s at work would tell me that he was cheating on me and how I was a fool to think he wasn't. But I got in my head they were wrong, so what we were in high school, we had real love. That was until the call came.

After almost a week of waiting he finally called and I ran to the phone. He had called his mother collect and she called me on the three way. In the meantime she had set the phone down and picked up a different line at his grandparent's house to call a friend of hers. I guess she was too ignorant to mute the phone because we heard her entire phone conversation including the part that she told her friend that JT was about to dump Trish.

I just got silent. He asked me if I heard what his mother said and I couldn't say anything because my throat practically closed up and the tears came. He tried explaining to me that he was trying to do the "right thing." All I could get out between the tears was how I knew I should have just broken up with him before he left. He apologized and we got off the phone.

When I pulled myself together, I went into my parent's room. My dad asked me what was wrong and said it looked like I lost my best friend and I just started crying again and left out of their room. My mom came after me asking what was wrong and I told her that JT just dumped me. She apologized for my dad and said that he was teasing and he had no idea.

A month or so passed and he started calling me to tell me about his new gf that was in Job Corps with him. Being dumb, I listened and it used to hurt but I rationed that I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. He began to realize that this stranger wasn't all she was cracked up to be and that the grass looked so much greener on the other side. So he started asking about if we could ever get back together and I told him no and he should work out things with the girl he thought was so much better than me.

He finally graduated the program about nine months later and came back home. Unfortunately, so did the girlfriend. His aunt allowed her to stay with them and that was a big mess. She hated me because he and I still talked and hung out but I wasn't going to give up my friend for her. Her jealousy manifested into empty threats as she swore she would beat my a** but never attempted because she knew better.

A few more months passed and their relationship came to an end and he stepped up his approach to get me back. Months of turning him down lead to me finally giving in and giving him another chance.

Back in those days I had a group of four best friends. We spent our weekends and weekdays together. A couple of them lived super close so we'd be over each other's houses alot whereas two of our other friends houses required a car ride to get to their homes.

So every weekend we made plans to hang out but once JT came into my life I juggled my friendship with them and my relationship with him so that nobody felt left out. Almost like clock-work, he and I would make plans and he would end up standing me up. I will never forget one time my friends were going to see a movie that I really wanted to see and I told them that JT and I had plans. He never called or showed up that night. What made it even worse was that my friends called me after the movie and eating and told us that they saw JT at a local movie theater standing outside with his friends.

Again, he had humiliated me.....

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Trip to Texas

I'm back from Texas and I had the best vacation ever, although it didn't start that way. Friday Texas had a severe thunderstorm and it forced us to be stuck in the air almost two hours circling above the storm. Ultimately they diverted us to New Orleans and we had to wait there until the storm passed. All I could think was the counting down we've been doing to see each other and here's another delay but there was no choice but wait. After being held up five extra hours, I finally made it to Texas.

He was everything I expected and even more. He had come in and got my luggage, I had told him what bag to look for. I spotted him in the airport and he looked just like his pictures. He was a smidge shorter than me, but I had already expected that. After a three hour plane ride turning into an eight hr trip, after we got to his car that was also as he said it was, I dozed off.

He showed me around a lot and I saw some luxury apartments that I fell in love with. The complex has its own dog-care services, gym and personal trainer. The apartment came with a full size washer/dryer and garage. It was the best I'd seen. One apartment I saw had the sink in the bedroom and a door to the bathroom right by it. I'm not fond of the idea that to use the bathroom people would have to come through my room. .

So activity wise we went to eat quite a bit and he made me a few meals. My favorite part was the beach. I love going to beaches, its so serene there. I saw some of the devastation that Ike left, you never realize how bad things are until you see them first hand. He also convinced me to ride to the beach with him on his motorcycle. It was my first time and saying that I was nervous is an understatement. There was a point when we were on the freeway and the wind was blowing so hard that I left my nail marks in his skin!

After finally getting off my legs hurt like hell, they are still recovering as a matter of fact. I got to see his kids at a sporting event they played in. It was nice seeing that everything that he said was as he said it. That night we watched Man, it was funnier than I thought it would have been.

He was very affectionate but it wasn't annoying to the point where I wanted to swing on him. Overall on a scale of one to ten I give the trip a twelve. I'm glad I took a chance and happy about how things turned out. When he was getting ready to take me to the airport he got on his knees and hugged me and I actually dropped like four tears. I was so mad at myself. I don't allow myself to show emotions, yet I'm sitting here being a wimp, I was beating myself up.

After getting myself together, I noticed he wasn't happy either. So the car ride to the airport was about everything other than me leaving. Getting out of the car was like man...its over. So we said our goodbyes and I walked away, turned to say bye again and continued walking. He called out to me and I stood still and he jogged to me and hugged me again and kissed me.

The pathway to the airport seemed so long. He had told me to call him when I made it home so I just found a souvenir shop and got something for my SIL. She actually was the only person to ask me to bring her something, so I'm like well okay since she asked, I will oblige. After about fifteen minutes he texted me and then we ended up talking. At some point I lost my drivers license in the airport so I was looking everywhere for it but didn't want to miss my flight so I had to leave it behind.

I texted everyone that I was headed home and ended up dozing off before we took off but I quickly woke up when we went speeding down the runway for take-off. After about an hour and twenty minutes a flight attendant got on the speaker asking for any medical personnel to come up front. Now, thats not what you want to hear while you're in the air. Turns out a man was having a seizure on the plane. They announced that we had to make an emergency landing at the closest airport so the man could get off and received medical attention. You never know how heartless people are until situations like this. The lady next to me was like "why can't he just wait til we get to our destination, its only about thirty minutes away." I'm thinking, if it was you or your family, you'd want the plane detoured too but I said well to cover their own tails, they're required to get the man help as soon as possible.

After an hour or so of that we were finally ready to take off and ride about forty minutes to our destination. I told my dad to get to the airport at nine p.m. We didn't end up getting in the aiport til like nine-thirty. So I called him and said as soon as I grab my luggage I'll be there and bypass the lost and found. He told me to take my time. Little did he know, his nerves would be tested even further. The carousel where the luggage comes out broke down for about fifty minutes because this lady had the nerve to still have a hard-shell suitcase.

My dad didn't seem too mad overall and we talked about my trip. I went in my parents house and grabbed my dog and headed home. I let him know I finally made it home and he told me he missed me already, it was good knowing the feelings were mutual. So haven't been back a full twenty four hours and he wants me to see when I can take off to come next month.

I don't even want to get into the bs going on at work at this moment, I want to stay in this bubble of happiness as long as I can. I'm already counting down the days til I go back.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Eleven Hours

This is how many hours I talked on the phone to the guy from Texas. I call him Toot as a nickname because he toots his own horn a bit, but its funny and not a conceited-type turn off. It started with him getting off work yesterday morning and calling me and we talked well into the afternoon when my battery died.

I can't remember talking to someone for so much time, especially since I've been grown. There is never a dull moment or a time when we're just holding the phone. This has been going on for about a month and I'm not bored yet.

It's funny because I didn't expect at all to meet someone online that I liked and looked forward to talking to on a regular. There are times that he passes up on going out if I decide to spend the night in just to "keep me company." He makes things comfortable by sending pics on a regular of not only him but other elements of his day. I'm not one of those people that has their pic all over the web or sends pics of herself to people but he actually has me sending him pics regularly too.

I can't wait to see him, we've been couting down since he bought my plane ticket. I originally had a ticket but my bosses declined my request which would have had me in Texas this past weekend. Since getting the ticket things haven't dwindled as far as our conversation. The pessimist in me has me thinking that things are going just too good. Now I'm not saying he's perfect, he has quite a few things that are flaws including the fact that he is separated and beginning a divorce. Toot is alot better than me at expressing his feelings, whereas for me, the past has me with this big wall up.

Am I being irrational? I don't know. Is he saying what he thinks I want to hear? He seems really sincere with things he says and is pretty forthcoming with information. I don't wanna be a fool and belive a fairytale. We complement each other so well, sometimes its scary. Thing is, not like he left his wife for me or anything like that, but I have been in a similar situation before. My radar hasn't went off yet, remember I told you all about how sometimes I get these warnings but I ignore them, so I'm not having any doubts at the moment, just thinking that I will take things a day at a time.

So aside from that, I am trying to not be nervous about meeting someone in person for the first time. Have any of you met someone from online? I think that initially it will be a little weird adjusting to actually not being on the phone but in person but nonetheless I am super excited.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dragon Lady

Today has been one hectic day. My computer here at work got the worm virus so my computer was running extra slow and these pop-up ads jumped on my screen every couple of minutes. It is budget time in my office and the wrong time for my computer to act up.

I told my boss, Dragon Lady, my issue and she had me request a loaner tower from our IT dept. You'd think, cool, she got another tower, now she can work on her projections. WRONG!!! The tower they brought me had E.xcel 2007 and my office is behind the times and still using 2003. So now I'm trying to find my other workbooks and it was just frustrating. My boss caught wind that I was trying to maneuver through 2007 and snapped that this was not the time for me to be learning new software. Yeah lady, I didn't ask them for 2007, so beat it.

Finally I called a friend who uses the 07 version and got the ball rolling. Prjoection season is when my boss and I talk the most and I dread every single minute of the experience. The project is due Wednesday and then we can go back to not speaking to each other.

On top of the work mess, I have a cold that won't quit. I thought it was gone but resurfaced this morning. I am going to buy everything on the shelf at the pharmacy tonight because I refuse to be sick for my trip to 80 degree weather this weekend.

Friday, April 10, 2009


So Fridays are the days I look most forward to, the end of the work week. Rather than talking about how excited I am to get off work on Friday, I will start sharing old memories so you can get a glimpse of what shaped me into the woman I am today.

It all began a warm summer day in July of 97. This is when my ice cream craving began and I haven't been able to shake it since. One of my bff's lived around the corner and we had a ritual of going to the store and going for ice cream everyday. The day in question, she couldn't go because her mom had her cleaning and my sister was too lazy to walk literally across the street and go with me.

Living in the city and off a major street by an alley, you had to have some street smarts about you. I was always aware of my surroundings and this day was no different. Since I was alone I made it a point to go straight there and back without incident. As I approached the door I saw two guys about my age. One was sitting on a bike and the other was standing close by talking to him. I have this mean face that I put on to let onlookers know that I don't want to be bothered and I made it in the store without being spoken to, success! I was in the store happy that my mean face had worked and I got my ice cream and headed back out for home.

Well when I made it outside I saw that the guys were both still out there. Great, I thought to myself, being sarcastic. Once again I put on the mean face and walked past them and smiled to myself that my plan had worked for a second time. That was, until I heard an "excuse me." "Dangit, I thought to myself, I was so close." So as I hear bike tires and footsteps I stopped to turn around. I had peeped both guys on my way in and I knew one was definitely not cute and was hoping he wasn't the one speaking.

Of course after turning around, I see that it was the not-so-cute guy who was addressing me. I thought, cool, I'll cut this short and tell him I have a boyfriend already. Then he said that his boy wanted to know if he could call me. I looked over to him and he smiled. He had straight, white teeth and his smile was warm. He had me. I gave him my number and we said our goodbyes. An hour later he called me.

We talked on the phone a lot that summer. We saw each other even more. He lived around the corner, two minutes walking distance. At this time I was 15 but my dad was very strict so I snuck to his house whenever I saw him. His family knew me and they all liked me except for his mother. No idea what I ever did to her but she was always one of those moms who tried to be cool but really just looked ridiculous. His grandparents actually owned the house that I was always over and he lived with them. They were the grandparents that I always wanted. Alot of times I'd go over there when he wasn't there, just to be around them.

After a short time I realized that my young heart belonged to a bad boy. He smoked weed and cigarettes and he had dropped out of high school. Needless to say my parents were not fans of his at all. These were the days of pagers and answering machines. Both devices of mine got played on by females he knew. Even as a teenager I wasn't interested in playing on people's phones and pretty much this is when I started having issues with females and their insecurities.

One night after working eight hours at White C.astle I got home to hear a message from a female asking me why I was f-ing around with JT's dusty @ss and she called me a stupid b*tch. I was mortified. This had never happened to me before and how did whoever she was get my number...

This was the beginning of many dumb moments on my part that I wasted dealing with this boy that I had already fallen for. Stay tuned for part 2 next week.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Home Again

Thanks to everyone who wondered where I'd disappeared to. I have been lurking here and there. There is so much that was going on that seeing it written down may have made it even harder to deal with. I'll give a couple brief recaps.

For one, my parents have been at odds with each other after 29 years of marriage. This was the hardest thing of all to bear. Things are slowly getting better with them and I hope that by their 30th anniversary in July, that all our lives are back to normal.

My youngest brother that got married in December decided to take up a new recreational activity called "hit the wife." I'm not making light of abuse by any means, it disgusted me to hear that he'd ever put his hands on a woman and even worse someone that he made a commitment to God to love and cherish. My father has never put his hands on my mother so my brother has let his anger manifest from somewhere else. The worse part is my nephew(his stepson) having to witness all this. He's a child and children should have their innocence as long as possible, or at least thats how I feel.

The best friend, turned boyfriend, turned ex-boyfriend and I have not been speaking. It was really hard for me in the beginning. I had relied on him since I was a teenager and now he was nowhere to be found. It was if the world around me was crumbling as I knew it and my solace was no longer apart of my world. I truly felt abandoned by him and was starting to resent him for leaving me, knowing all that I was going through. After some time passed I began to realize that this was God preparing me to venture out on my own and to realize that He is all that I can count on and who I should seek in times of need.

I finally decided to head down to Texas. It has been a long road but I've finally made up my mind about it. I have started applying for jobs, no bites yet, but I have gotten emails saying that I qualify for some and for others that the job has been filled. It hasn't deterred me though, at least I know that my applications are being reviewed. I'm excited about the whole transition and I can't remember the last time I have been looking so forward to something.

My lease will be up on my apt at the end of May so I will either stay at my parents house or with my sister until I get a job offer there. I've had a couple people suggest to me to just save enough and move there even without a job and that I'd find one in no time. Still not totally sold on the idea of leaving my secure, full-time job, to move somewhere with family or friends in hopes of getting a job so we'll see. I am heading there next weekend to look at some apartments and neighborhoods so that I know what my target area will be.

I decided to try networking in hopes of meeting some people in Texas who could help point me in the right direction. In the process of that I met a guy whose really sweet and funny. We talk on the phone til 3am like we're in high school. Thank goodness for technology, we send pics back and forth all day every day. I am planning to see him when I go next week.

That is all that has really been up with me so far. I am making it a point to keep my thoughts pouring. I also want to begin sharing more with you guys, I'm so used to holding back in an effort to save my feelings that its beginning to affect me and not in a good way. Take care, talk to everyone soon.