Unexpected

So guess who texted me at 6:36am.....Teddy! It's funny because I mentioned in my last post that I had been praying for him because he had been on my heart.

Well in his text, he was saying he was writing for closure. Then he mentioned a position he was considering taking on the east coast so that he could move on from me and only space will allow that to happen. The texts went on for about a half hour. I'm still uncertain as to where we left things. Part of me says it's been six weeks, just wait six more and maybe I'll be over him, the other part of me says that him reaching out was huge so maybe this all means something.

In other news, camping was so much fun!! We had a great time, although sleeping in a tent was not a high point for me. Let me also say how filthy the bathrooms were, I can't believe women used them, it seemed more like a pack of animals. When I got home, I ran to the shower, it was sweet relief. There were a ton of couples on the camping trip, I admit that I wished that I had come as a part of a couple, but hanging with BeBe was cool as always.

There is nothing else really going on, I have still been on the hunt for a new job so we'll see what happens next.....

Distractions

I've been trying to distract myself from thinking lately. I know to some, that may sound silly, but with my recently plague of insomnia, light-thinking has been allowing me to have restful nights. While I'm awake, I do think about the job situation, because that, I really can't control. I applied for fourteen jobs today and have a meeting with a placement agency tomorrow.

I'm going camping with BeBe and the girls this weekend. I asked Toot to borrow some camping equipment. He told me that I could borrow whatever I needed and asked me to call off work to hang with him and get the items. Well that day came and I couldn't take off. That fool Toot had the nerve to be mad and when I asked him about still using some of his camping gear, he said no. The fact that he had the nerve to tell me no when I've driven out of my way, through a thunderstorm to bring him money that he needed to borrow, pissed me off.

I went to a comedy show Saturday evening. The headliner was Lavelle Crawford and the opening act was named Spike Jackson. Let me tell you all, between those two men, I laughed until I cried. The laughter I got that night was just what the doctor ordered. When I'm sad, often times, I watch or listen to something funny to lift my spirits.

Last night I had a dream about Teddy. I think that the dream was because I prayed for him before I went to bed. Despite the way things ended between him and me, I still want only the best for him. I actually woke myself up from a dream for once. The dream had just started and in it my phone rang and I reached for it and saw that it was Teddy calling. I remembered thinking, this must be a dream, he's too proud to call me and just like that, I woke myself up.

What other ramblings???? I'm not sure if I told you guys but my sister officially moved to Arizona. I'm so proud of her and I am glad that she has followed her dream. One of my brothers teased that I turned her into a traitor since she left our hometown, my thing is, if being a traitor means doing what your heart desires, I'll be a traitor every time.

In the Meantime

There hasn't been really anything blog worthy to write about. Each day, I give myself a number and that's how many jobs I apply for. Want an example? Sure you want an example, Wednesday, I applied for 25 jobs and yesterday, 10. I took a break today but will be back on the hunt. I just started to feel drained in my job search but I will be back on it Monday.

Just in case anyone is wondering, I haven't spoken to Teddy. Most people have stopped asking if we've reconciled. How about my Mom asked my sister if she should tell my Pastor that the wedding is off? My sister told my Mom, well even if they did get back together, the wedding wouldn't be the same date, so yes. The craziest part is that I already told my Mother when I went home for Easter that she could cancel the church.

I've met a few guys, but they have all been either too freaking old or too young. I know that I probably shouldn't be worried about men at the moment but I'm not worried, just looking for a distraction at the moment.

Speaking of being worried about a man.....So the other day I asked my Texas Mom if she wanted to go to a comedy show, she said she'd let me know. Could someone tell me why she informed me that her husband would also be joining us? This is the second time that a married woman has done this to me. I just don't understand how married people think it's alright to just bring their spouse. I told my other coworker that I need to get a man so that I won't be a third wheel. I'm getting annoyed all over again. Anyway, after begging my other coworker to go, I am no longer the third wheel. I've been the third wheel before, but Texas Mom and husband are much older than I am and since I look young enough to get carded for Nyquil, I don't want to feel like I'm out with my parents.

I'm hoping for a good weekend, there's nothing better than a Friday night. I have plans to watch a couple of movies and just relax. I hope you all have a great weekend!

The Other Shoe....

....fell. Yesterday I was called into my bosses office to be informed that I'm being let go. They didn't give me an exact date, she says that I could be employed up until August but that it could be sooner. I am working on budget information at work this week. Part of me feels like they are waiting to have me finish working on loading everyone's salary but mine for next fiscal year before they give me my two week notice.

To say that I was shocked would be a complete understatement...I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I just got back from seeing my family over the weekend and I actually teared up on the plane ride back. I had the best time and wished that I was near them again.

I don't know what's in store for me. I feel like I am at my absolute worse at this point in my life. Who would have thought I'd lose a fiancee' and a job all in the same month....

Those of you who pray...please add me to your list. I am having a hard time trying to figure out why all of this is happening but I know there has to be some reason behind it.

Insomnia

Lately, I've been battling with one of the worse cases of insomnia. Of course a lot of it is stress related and due to the termination of my relationship with Teddy.

The craziest part about all of this is that I haven't had a cry fest about all that has happened. I've thought about contacting him a couple of times, it has been over a week and a half since we've last spoken. The thing that keeps me from reaching out to him is the coldness in his words during our last conversation.

I'm getting a much needed break from life and getting to see my friends and family. I am super excited and can't wait to be in the company of people who fight with me but at the end of the day we can reach a common ground or agree to disagree.

I've tried taking Melatonin but that actually kept me woke and had me resembling a zombie the next day at work. So last night, I tried a CVS sleep aid and although I still woke up several times during the night, it wasn't for prolonged periods of time.

I hate this part of break-ups, getting through the "grieving period." The sad part is that the insomnia started before we broke up because of the constant arguing. I actually thought that ending the stress he was bringing to my life would bring peace but it hasn't.

The worse part in this whole ending of the relationship is telling people. I hate having people in my business and was against my coworkers announcing it at work. I hate when people pity me so hopefully I won't have to cuss anyone out for wanting details, because people are just nosey. I'll tell my family officially this weekend just to have that out of the way.

Ugh and Ugh!!

I'm sure from the title of this post, you can tell I'm annoyed. Let's start with this...

All,

Due to the recent student concerns regarding the Japan Tsunami disaster and nuclear radiation levels, we are considering moving the MBA International China Trip to August 7-16, 2011. We thought it would be in the best interest and safety of all parties that we push the dates back. Considering these new dates, please let me know your availability to still participate.

Talking about someone who is pissed off. I already took off the days next month from work and what is even worse is that the new proposed dates are not negotiable and that is budget time at work and it's damn near impossible to get a day off, much less more than a week.

Next up is Teddy....I'm almost certain that there will be no union joining the two of us. There are several reasons that bring me to this conclusion, but mainly the fact that he doesn't trust me that has me questioning whether or not I can go through with marrying him. He feels that if I want things to work out with him that I should be willing to do ANY and EVERYthing he says for the sake of our relationship. While there is no doubt in my heart that I love Teddy, in my head I can't rationalize needing to prove myself to him. One of the things that would help him trust me is if I gave up "The Nightlife". I went out two weekends in a row and he has now labeled me a "clubber."

The thing is, the nights I went out, were times we weren't even seeing each other, so it's not like I was taking away from time between the two of us. I just can't fathom giving up hanging out with BeBe and the girls because of Teddy's insecurity.

This is all pretty surreal to me at the moment. While nothing surprises me, I am in awe that I'm dealing with this. UGH!!!

Final Week

I am in the final week of classes. I'm so happy that I can hardly contain myself I have two projects and a post test to complete and I'll be done.

Did I mention I'm supposed to be going to China next month as a part of the MBA Program? I'm excited about the trip but seeing as though I'm at an HBCU, all the details have yet to come together. Shouldn't I know my flight and hotel information about a trip out of the country in a little over a month?

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. I'm not sure if it is a good thing or not, I'll keep you all posted.

I visited a new church with BeBe a couple weeks ago. I really enjoyed it so we went back last weekend. It is the exact opposite of the mega church I had been attending. The church owns a suite in an office building complex and it has no foyer. In the midst of service, you can hear the kids in the nursery through the paper thin walls. Despite theses details, I truly enjoy being there...There is a young lady who leads praise and worship that has one of the most beautiful voices I've heard in person. The Pastor shows pure, raw emotion and I like going.

I'm in the process of finding a counselor to work with Teddy and I so that we can work through our issues together. I've decided not to have a big wedding at home anymore. I told my mom yesterday and she was really upset. So there goes one more thing to occupy my thoughts as I try to come up with a way to please both her and Teddy, does it ever end?