Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The Wedding

So in typical wedding fashion, the ceremony started late. It was in fact, almost two hours late to be exact. Picture a bunch of people in a hot, cramped church with no air conditioning, it was miserable. When the ceremony finally started, a baby decided that then was the time to practive her vocals. She screamed for a good three minutes and the mother just sat there looking stupid. Finally after several dirty looks, she got up and went out with the baby.

My youngest neice was supposed to be the flower girl but she ended up getting sick and slept on my mom during the wedding in her pretty white dress. They also told my mom after she arrived that they wanted her to be walked down the aisle as an usher. She wore a pants suit and really didn't want to but she went ahead and participated.

Then they had a portable boom box playing music and when it was time for the bride to walk down the aisle, when she got mid-way, the music stopped. She stood there for a good couple of minutes, I'm guessing debating on what to do. Then I guess reality kicked in and she thought she better hurry down the aisle before my brother changed his mind and she damn near drug her poor elderly father down the aisle with her.

Her mother, who is an evangelist, did the prayer for them. It lasted a good five minutes, in prayer time, thats a LONG time. After a while she was just rambling and using words like uh... and um....Then she kept calling my brother by his nickname which I thought was a bit odd.

It seemed like everyone had a smirk or grin on their face who sat on my brother's side, knowing that these vows don't mean too much to him anyway and wondering who would be wife number four.

They waited in the back of the church and rather then there being a receiving line with the entire bridal party, it was just my brother and his new bride. I put out my hand to shake hers and she grabbed me and hugged me a bit too tight and close for my taste.

Next was picture time and like always in her pictures she wore the same sinister smirk she always has. She was barking out orders to everyone so in alot of the pics her mouth was open or her back turned with her arms in the air.

As we drove to the reception hall, we got a real feel for the small city, lots of projects and mobile homes. They were introduced in the church, prayer was done over the food and then it was dinner time. They had people stand in line and get served, the portions were so small and I was starving afterwards. Literally, a tablespoon of macaroni was being scooped out to us and the same size went for everything else. Even after spending $80 on ham for them, I got one sliver. Of course there wasn't liquor being served because they were already on a budget so everyone pretty much did b.y.o.b.

So my other SIL and I went to the store so that we could have our own drinks and get away from there for a few minutes. It was like a peep show in there, almost every woman and teenager in her family had on sheer, panty showing, boob popping out, outfits.

We decided to buy my brother's favorite drink so that we could toast with him. I went in the church to tell him we had his drink and my newly acquired sister-in-law says decides to let her couple glasses of champagne take over. She says loud enough for everyone in a 500 yard radius to hear "Trish, where you been? You acting funny, staying away because I got yo brother now?" I decided that I wasn't going to let her show out and I returned that he's been MY brother for 28 years and he'll always be and we'd see how long she lasts and I put my arm around him. She then tried to walk up on me and I put my arm up and pushed her.

I was fuming when I got back to the car and a couple drinks helped me cool down. The reception ended at ten and then they wanted us to come to an "after-party" at her sister's house. On the way there we decided to get some fast food because we were all starved. When we walked in with the food about three different people in her family asked why we got fast food and they had food here from the reception. Well how were we supposed to know that your family was hiding food? All we knew was that with the tiny portions they gave out that we needed something else.

By this point pretty much everyone had too much to drink including her cousin. She reminded me of Rasputia from Norbit. She informed us all that she was looking for a man and how she was a good worker and been at her job for nine years. To make herself an even better candidate, she told us that she was a clean person, she kept a clean house and a clean @ss. We all just sat there kinda with our mouths open.

My brother announced that he just realized that at 32 he is now a grandfather because his new wife is a grandmother. I informed him, in betweem laughs, that we had been talking about that all night and that it was hilarious. He also has neices and nephews older than him now. One of his new nephews always hits on me when he sees me and he's married. The creep waits til his wife isn't around and tries to chat me up and have some sort of physical contact with me, yuck!

At around midnight we decided to get ready to make the seventy-mile trek back home. I don't really know how to summarize the night, it was definitely....interesting. To cap off the night my new SIL informed me that we'd be invited back out for another ceremony for them in ten years, to that comment, I laughed until I cried and my sister shut my car door.


Nina said...


don't mean to judge but that is some ghetto ish....


Young woman on a journey said...

trish, your fam never fails in providing entertainment during one of my work days. either everything is so...complicated...or you are just a very very good story teller. either way, i would have loved to be there and observe all of this. its just...so much!

Trish said...

Nina-It so was!

Young woman-I wish I was making some of this foolishness up.

Anonymous said...

I know how to summarize it. Hillarious! Especially the part about the you and the bride almost fighting. Whaaaat? So the family had all made themselves plates before other guests had been served? Get Toe. This happened at my great grands funeral. But the guily party's MIL found out and made her put all the food back. She'd stacked 13 plates in the trunk of her car.

Trish said...

Buttahfly-That's awful abou tthe 13 plates. I don't know why people see weddings and funeral's as their chance to stock up on food for the week.