Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Sometimes I Miss Her

My junior year in high school I made a friend that I thought would be around forever. We were going strong for nine years until it was time for her to get married. The entire time we'd known each other she was back and forth with the same guy. They eventually had a baby and several years later he proposed to her after breaking up too many times to count.

The breakups were never easy and in fact were always drama-filled. I will never forget one time she called me so upset that she couldn't talk. I jumped in my car, running every possible light I could to get to her. When I got there I found out that he had choked her until she was nearly unconscious. She had his hand marks embedded in her neck as evidence of an argument gone wrong. He had also threatened to cut her hair which went halfway down her back. I was so upset that I cried with her. I called her sister and she thanked me for coming to her aid and gave my friend instructions for what to do if her boyfriend came back. Wouldn’t you know it, a few months go by and she takes him back?

Another breakup included him meeting women on the internet and hanging out with them. One girl in particular was always writing on his page and my friend decided to do some investigating and found info out on the woman. Needless to say, an hour later we were at the apartment of the woman and of course she asked me to drive so that her boyfriend didn’t know her car. It was a very dumb idea to drive her to the suburbs to catch her man cheating. The apartment complex had a guard at the gate and my friend panicked when he asked us who we were going to see and said that he had to call her to announce us. She told the guard no thanks and he politely instructed us to turn around and leave the apartment complex.

By the time we made it back to her house the boyfriend had called to say the guard informed them that a car fitting the description of my car had tried to come to the apartment he was at. His explanation for being over the woman’s house was that because she was a singer and he was a wanna-be producer, there was a legitimate reason to be at her apartment. Again, months go by and he’s back in good with her. But the drama with the other woman isn’t over, she goes to her page and writes how they’ve been together forever and she will always be around and how they have a child together, blah, blah, blah.

There were many more stories I could tell you all but the final story is the most important. My friend found out via phone log stalking that her boyfriend-turned-fiancé had been spending late nights talking to someone on the phone. Was it a surprise that this person turned out to be a woman? I hope not if you are still following the story.

Anyway, she called the woman on the phone and they decided to meet. They met up and the woman told her about how her fiancé had been over several times and even showed my friend a picture he and her had taken a few weeks back. Hearing this story to me sounded like the last and final straw. I thought he was the epitome of scum to cheat while they were participating in marriage counseling at the church.

It was very clear that although he was cheating a month before their wedding that the show was still going on. She had asked me not to tell her family what he had been up to and all I could do was oblige her wishes. When she originally started planning for the wedding she wanted me to stand up as a bridesmaid but at the time I had undergone testing and interviewing working for the government in Virginia and didn’t want to commit to a wedding and was unsure of when the potential job may call.
His latest indiscretion was eating me alive and I flat out asked her why she was still marrying him. Her response was that she believes in divorce and if it didn’t work that she would just divorce him. That comment was by far the dumbest thing she ever said to me.

I attended the bridal shower and wedding bringing the biggest gifts to both events. I even help set up the centerprieces since the hall was slacking and running very much bhind. Things were never really the same after that. In the beginning I was really hurt that our friendship wasn’t right and now we don’t talk at all. The sad part is that I feel she stopped talking to me because I wasn’t in her wedding. It’s not like I just said no, I didn’t want to leave her in a bind if I had to suddenly relocate.

She an I no longer communicate. I was her son’s Godmother. I think the part that bothers me most is that through all he did to her I was there. She took him back continuously after cheating on her and can’t let go of something that was out of my control.

It should come as no surprise that six months later they were separated and she was posting pictures with random guys on FB. Since that they have gotten together only to separate again. I have no idea their marital status at this point and seeing as though we’re no longer friends, it really isn’t my business. Sometimes I miss her but I’ve tried reaching out to her and it never seems to get us any closer to rebuilding our friendship, it’s more of a conversation of what’s been happening and empty promises to see me soon. Losing a friend is never easy but I’ve decided our season is over.


Rashan Jamal said...

People and their bad choices get on my nerves, but after dude choked her, there is no way I could support anything nuptial wise. I don't understand how people can stay with people they don't trust, especially when they have proof of their infidelity.

Trish said...

Rashan-I don't think I will ever understand such a dumb decision. I always told her she was so adamant on being with him because he's the father of her child. Oh and these are always the men who get defensive about their gf's friends being in their business when clearly she brought me into it.

Jameil said...

Yeah I would've refused to be in the wedding on the grounds that I don't agree with it. He choked you and continually cheats on you and I'm supposed to support that? That's gonna be a no. Sometimes I miss my former friends, too. But if nothing's changed...? There's no point. We'd just end up at the same place we are right now-- apart. It's hard but I have more former friends than I want. At least 2 because they're emotional drains in their unwillingness to be happy. I can't.

Young woman on a journey said...

i've been through this losing a friend situation. eventually, trust me, you'll barely think of her. its sad at first though, particularly when you don't know what you did. but see it as a blessing, becasue that drama is no longer your drama.

people stay in relationships for crazy reasons. I try to be supportive where i can (i'm known to fail, particularly if the situation involves cheaters, not that i'm pure, but there are some things that rub me the wrong way). but in the end, you can only do what you can. the friend has to make decisions and live for themselves, even if it means living without you.

Trish said...

Jameil-See and I know that you're right but because she was my BFF I was willing to be there regardless. I think her other friends had her convinced that I was jealous but of course they didn't know about his cheating weeks before the wedding. Friendships are just like relationships we have to heal from them.

Trish said...

YW- She could probably care-less about me and what I'm doing. She doesn't even know that I moved, unless she heard about it through FB. I think that all relationships including friendships should come with an exit interview! Lol!

Felicia|DaLipstickBandit said...

It's so infuriating to see people doing dumb things over and over. People always want you to cosign on their actions, too.


it's hard to lose a friend but in the end people outgrow each other.