I’m not quite sure exactly when it happened. Somewhere along the way though, in my twenties, I started biting my tongue. This has caused me to taste blood quite a few times while the other person walks around oblivious. This is something that really bothers me about myself recently. In fact, a recent incident with BeBe caused me to decide that I am tired of trying to be a people-pleaser and avoid conflict. I wouldn’t say I’m a people-pleaser all around, just to the people that I really care about in my life.
In my younger years I would fly off the handle, cussing people out without thinking twice about it. I remember once being in a video store with my sister. There was a man in the store and he said something to her and whatever it was, it sent me into attack mode. I snapped on him quick and drew blood. My sister rushed in to defend the man saying he was joking and that she knew him from church, I felt so ashamed. I hurt so many people that I made a conscious effort to change and hadn’t looked back. The problem is that I let things go too far, where I have let too many things slide, repressing my true emotions, besides only weak people show emotions anyway, right?
Yesterday the NBR made me VERY upset. He knows that I was mad but he doesn’t know the true extent. If I was one of those drama females, I would have truly acted a nut on him, but in true fashion, I downplayed my anger and when his mother came up to me asking how I was, I blamed my tears on a migraine. To make matters worse, our drive home included us happening to exit the freeway on the exit that Teddy lives on, which is an hour away, that I NEVER pass. It was just a bad day all around for me and I wanted to put my fist through his face, although I’m not one for violence, I was just very angry.
He knows that I am still angry with him, he has been going out of his way to be all chipper with me and extra affectionate but I’m not feeling it. He called me on his way home from work like he normally does but I ignored the call, I don’t want to talk to him any more than I have to. Why didn’t I just address all this yesterday? I didn’t want to have to drive an hour and a half uncomfortably maybe or maybe I am still in the same predicament with not dealing with confrontation. Either way, I’m not just mad with him, I’m also angry at myself…