The Visit

My visit home went nothing like I could have planned. Nbr never made the flight because I told him that our living situation wasn't working for me anymore. After making that comment to him, communication between us pretty much came to a halt, although we were still living in the same household.

It was definitely an emotional plane ride as the person who sat in his seat sat there without a care in the world. When I landed at home, I headed to the baggage claim and turned on my phone to see I had missed calls and texts. As I went through them I returned a text from one of my brothers, only to get a response from him telling me my Grandfather had died while I was en route. I was totally blind-sided and looked like a blubbering idiot crying as I waited at baggage claim.


The rest of the trip was pretty much downhill from there. I was able to see my friends but I was just in a funk. I lost my bank card, got pulled over by state troopers and had to pay a fee to extend my reservation to stay in town until after the funeral. My way with dealing with the loss was to drink which was a horrible idea. I went out one evening with my girlfriends and the entire night was a blur.


Nbr never called and checked to see why I wasn't back home the day I was supposed to. When I arrived home, the majority of his things were gone but he had left his puppy, which was covered in feces. Seeing her and the mess he left did nothing but infuriate me. It has now been about three weeks and his things are still here. After attempting to contact him and having no luck, I gave his dog to a family that could provide her with the TLC she needed.


I am glad to be done with that chapter in my life, or I will be once he comes to get his things Friday. I have no desire to speak with him and wish to God that I didn't have to be here when he came to collect his things. This is definitely a time that I have to put on my big girl panties and keep it moving. As my sister so eloquently pointed out, I should have learned from this lesson.

Forgiveness

I went to church yesterday with BeBe. The message was right on point for me. The Pastor is running a series and I am looking forward to attending until it ends. The main portion of the sermon that stuck with me was about forgiveness. He asked us to write down who hurt us and what they did to us down. I wrote Teddy's name because I realized I'm really hurt at the fact that he told me we were going to spend our lives together and then pretty much pulled the rug from up under me. I know that that's not really how it happened, he gave me a choice, but I feel that he backed me into a corner, just like he did the last time.

So anyway, the Pastor had a demonstration in which he had a garbage bags and words in it like, lies, cheating, back-stabbing, hurt and all the words he pulled out as he illustrated how we carry baggage. He then mentioned that sometimes the people that hurt us are sometimes the ones carrying that bag and it's impossible for them to love us because they're unhappy and don't love themselves. I could see Teddy and myself in that situation. He was cheated on by every girlfriend he ever had and that had taken a toll on him. So as I sat in that seat, with tears pouring from my eyes, I decided to forgive Teddy.

I know of course that forgiveness doesn't instantly make the pain go away, but I took the first major step towards recovery. I know that I don't want to carry a trash bag into my next relationship so this is something that must be done.

In the Meantime

There hasn't been really anything blog worthy to write about. Each day, I give myself a number and that's how many jobs I apply for. Want an example? Sure you want an example, Wednesday, I applied for 25 jobs and yesterday, 10. I took a break today but will be back on the hunt. I just started to feel drained in my job search but I will be back on it Monday.

Just in case anyone is wondering, I haven't spoken to Teddy. Most people have stopped asking if we've reconciled. How about my Mom asked my sister if she should tell my Pastor that the wedding is off? My sister told my Mom, well even if they did get back together, the wedding wouldn't be the same date, so yes. The craziest part is that I already told my Mother when I went home for Easter that she could cancel the church.

I've met a few guys, but they have all been either too freaking old or too young. I know that I probably shouldn't be worried about men at the moment but I'm not worried, just looking for a distraction at the moment.

Speaking of being worried about a man.....So the other day I asked my Texas Mom if she wanted to go to a comedy show, she said she'd let me know. Could someone tell me why she informed me that her husband would also be joining us? This is the second time that a married woman has done this to me. I just don't understand how married people think it's alright to just bring their spouse. I told my other coworker that I need to get a man so that I won't be a third wheel. I'm getting annoyed all over again. Anyway, after begging my other coworker to go, I am no longer the third wheel. I've been the third wheel before, but Texas Mom and husband are much older than I am and since I look young enough to get carded for Nyquil, I don't want to feel like I'm out with my parents.

I'm hoping for a good weekend, there's nothing better than a Friday night. I have plans to watch a couple of movies and just relax. I hope you all have a great weekend!

Insomnia

Lately, I've been battling with one of the worse cases of insomnia. Of course a lot of it is stress related and due to the termination of my relationship with Teddy.

The craziest part about all of this is that I haven't had a cry fest about all that has happened. I've thought about contacting him a couple of times, it has been over a week and a half since we've last spoken. The thing that keeps me from reaching out to him is the coldness in his words during our last conversation.

I'm getting a much needed break from life and getting to see my friends and family. I am super excited and can't wait to be in the company of people who fight with me but at the end of the day we can reach a common ground or agree to disagree.

I've tried taking Melatonin but that actually kept me woke and had me resembling a zombie the next day at work. So last night, I tried a CVS sleep aid and although I still woke up several times during the night, it wasn't for prolonged periods of time.

I hate this part of break-ups, getting through the "grieving period." The sad part is that the insomnia started before we broke up because of the constant arguing. I actually thought that ending the stress he was bringing to my life would bring peace but it hasn't.

The worse part in this whole ending of the relationship is telling people. I hate having people in my business and was against my coworkers announcing it at work. I hate when people pity me so hopefully I won't have to cuss anyone out for wanting details, because people are just nosey. I'll tell my family officially this weekend just to have that out of the way.

Ugh and Ugh!!

I'm sure from the title of this post, you can tell I'm annoyed. Let's start with this...

All,

Due to the recent student concerns regarding the Japan Tsunami disaster and nuclear radiation levels, we are considering moving the MBA International China Trip to August 7-16, 2011. We thought it would be in the best interest and safety of all parties that we push the dates back. Considering these new dates, please let me know your availability to still participate.

Talking about someone who is pissed off. I already took off the days next month from work and what is even worse is that the new proposed dates are not negotiable and that is budget time at work and it's damn near impossible to get a day off, much less more than a week.

Next up is Teddy....I'm almost certain that there will be no union joining the two of us. There are several reasons that bring me to this conclusion, but mainly the fact that he doesn't trust me that has me questioning whether or not I can go through with marrying him. He feels that if I want things to work out with him that I should be willing to do ANY and EVERYthing he says for the sake of our relationship. While there is no doubt in my heart that I love Teddy, in my head I can't rationalize needing to prove myself to him. One of the things that would help him trust me is if I gave up "The Nightlife". I went out two weekends in a row and he has now labeled me a "clubber."

The thing is, the nights I went out, were times we weren't even seeing each other, so it's not like I was taking away from time between the two of us. I just can't fathom giving up hanging out with BeBe and the girls because of Teddy's insecurity.

This is all pretty surreal to me at the moment. While nothing surprises me, I am in awe that I'm dealing with this. UGH!!!

Stressed

I know that I should be focusing on wedding planning but I've been super stressed. I blame school, work and Teddy. We're supposed to take our engagement pictures this weekend. The rate at which he's been on my nerves....I can only imagine how the pictures will look.

I'm not one of those people who believes that marriage fixes everything. In fact, I think the opposite. While of course, I want to get married, sometimes the thought of forever, scares the hell out of me. I think that when your mate gets on your nerves, they don't go anywhere, there are just in your space.

Over the last few days, my communication flaw has been brought up again. I have no clue why Teddy thinks just because we're engaged, that now I will be thrilled to answer a shitload of questions. ***Newsflash, I still hate being asked a ton of questions*****Also, I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but he also thinks that I should be forthcoming with everything, the present and the past. The past sucks the worse...I don't see why he feels he needs to know every waking detail of what has happened to me before I even knew him.

I say all this to say that he has me stressed. I'm not sure what to do at this point. On one hand, I think that I should change since I know that I should be willing to answer my spouse's questions and share things with him. On the other hand, I think hell, I've been this way since the beginning, don't expect change now.

Today has been a very hellish day for me, can you tell?

The Haps

As life goes, there is always so much going on, with so little free time. One of my brother's finally came down to visit and we had a great visit. He bought me a new bag, 32-inch tv and a really nice watch. They were all early birthday presents.

Teddy hit it off great with my brother, as I thought he would. They were even both rapping to songs in the car. I smiled as two of my favorite guys got along and shared stories of their pasts.

School has been a lot more demanding lately. I meet with my classmates up to three times a week but the best part is I seem to be doing apparently well in both my Stats and Accounting classes.

Work has been alright for the most part. There are layoffs among us and I know of two people who are getting fired tomorrow but obviously I'm not the one to tell them. I felt so bad because one person was telling me her life woes, including being the only employed one in her family.

My sister has been down twice in a three week span, we even went to New Orleans. It was my first time there and we had a blast. We both definitely plan to go back somtime this year.

I interviewed for an internal position, but I didn't get it. Oddly enough, I wasn't disappointed, the manager of the position actually gave me the creeps, so no love lost there.

Hmmmm...what else....just kidding. I saved the best for last......

TEDDY AND I ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!

We're getting married this fall and I couldn't be more excited and stressed! I have been planning like a maniac. There is one thing that has been getting on my nerves when I tell people my news, their inquiry as to whether or not I'm pregnant. Can't a black woman get married without being pregnant?! Ugh!

Well I'm off to catch up on what's been going on with you all.

Communication Woes

It has been brought to my attention that my communication skills could use some tweaking. I have never claimed to be a communicating guru but I always assumed that my plethora of friends spoke volumes for me. Although in the beginning, it may take me a while to warm up, after that, you can't get me to shut up.

My biggest communication flaw is when it comes to answering questions. I have known this about myself for many years. I don't mind being asked a question, it becomes a problem for me, however, when I begin to feel interrogated.

Teddy has a tendency of asking me a series of questions and after a while, I grow irritated by the "Grand Inquisition." My mother is also a "question maniac". She will call me with a list of things that she wants to ask me. While I can't necessarily control the fact that my Mom does this, I would like to have a relationship where my man isn't bombarding me with questions.

I know this may sound silly to some of you, but it has actually grown into a problem. In the beginning when we first began dating, I guess I didn't mind the questions so much because they are a part of getting to know each other. I had hoped though, that after knowing each other almost two years, that the questions would dwindle, but they haven't.

Let me give you an example of a recent conversation and you be the judge...

Teddy: What have you been up to?
Trish: Just getting out of church.
Teddy: What church did you go to?
Trish: Church on the Hills
Teddy: How did you hear about Church on the Hills?
Trish: BeBe told me about it.
Teddy: Does BeBe go to Church on the Hills?
Trish: *insert annoyed face*

These types of conversations happen all the time. It's like the questions keep coming if I don't get irritated by them. He says they are a way to get a dialogue going, but to me, it feels like I'm on a job interview.

The craziest part about this issue is that if I ask him what he did, it's usually a)watch tv, b)job-hunt. He is currently unemployed and looking for a job and is in school. He has absolutely nothing to talk about and cops a tude when I don't want to "be a contestant on Jeopardy." He even said in frustration to my refusal to answer the questions one night that he looks forward to talking to me all day, then when we speak in the evening, I have nothing to say. The sentiment is sweet, but I'm not your entertainment.

Sorry if this comes across like rambling or complaining. I love Teddy and I enjoy spending time with him, we never argue in person, but the phone time is very taxing on our relationship. He lives about an hour and a half away, so we typically only get to see each other once or twice a week. I like that he shows genuine concern for me and my day but once it becomes a constant flow of questions, I tune out.

Suggestions? Opinions??

Balancing Act

I mentioned in a previous post that I have made a really great buddy, BeBe. When Teddy and I were trying having our issues, she was there with advice but mainly, acclimating me to the city.

While we were hanging out, I saw more of the city than I had since I've been here. I barely have to use the GPS since she's shown me so many back streets. Living in the same neighborhood means that we do a lot of last minute plans and I have no problem with that because while I appreciate time at home, I also like to get out and enjoy life.

When I was younger and in a relationship, while I had the same best friends since elementary school, I saw them still, but totally immersed myself into my relationship with whatever boyfriend I was with. I had one boyfriend that would go to "Girl's Night Out" events, just to monopolize my time.

After getting a bit older and realizing how rude it was to tote boyfriends to every social event I attended, I found a happy medium for friendships vs. relationships.
I've only had one relationship to date, where I felt that the person I was in a relationship with had an equal playing field with their time for me and their friends.

This brings me to Teddy....He doesn't really have any friends. The friends he does have, he never sees and only talks on the phone with them every few months. He had a best friend but they fell out a few years back and he has recently tried to reach out to him, but the friend doesn't really seem to be interested. Teddy's repsonse is that's why he doesn't have friends, because you can't trust people.

I'm not naive and I've shared with you all the story about how my best friend slept with my boyfriend years ago, so I too, have been burned. Despite the fact that I've been betrayed, I am not closed off to making new friends. While I realize that everyone won't be your BFF, there's nothing wrong with having people to hang out with on occasion.

BeBe and I still hang out and Teddy seems to not like it all that much. He won't come out and say it but I've asked him and he said "go out and have a good time." While he is far from controlling, I think that he's jealous that I have someone to hang out with that's my age, whereas before I was really just hanging out with the older ladies from work.

I never ditch him to hang out with her but there are times that I go out at night with her and that cuts into Teddy and my phone time. Sometimes I'll see her several times a week. The other day she had a watch party for "The Game." She invited me and her other friends over and we all brought a dish, they had drinks, desserts and I even brought my Wii. Her friends and I just get along and that's a huge plus for me.

I'm not sure if any of you have ever heard of a movie called, "I love you, Man," but it was about a man who had no friends who was trying to meet guys so he would have friends. I put the movie in for Teddy to watch and he was so uncomfortable that I ended up turning the movie off. While I don't want him to blow me off to hang out with his buddies, I think it'd be healthy that he had some friends to hang out with.

I guess the fact that he doesn't have friends wouldn't be so bad if he didn't seem slighted whenever I hung out. Like I said, he says that he is happy that I've made friends because he knows that I'm social, but that he's more of a homebody and would rather stay in.

Have any of you ever encountered anything like this?

Spill the Beans

I hate sharing! Not literally, but sharing my feelings. I'm pretty sure that a lot of it has to do with how I was raised. While my family was close, some things we just didn't talk about. We showed love to one another but rarely used the term, "I love you."

For this reason, it has been a true task communicating certain things when it comes to relationships with people. Up until this point, it never seemed to matter to anybody I was in a relationship with. Teddy came along and changed things up in my life.

He has this thing about being open and honest. Now before anyone side eyes me, I believe that healthy relationships thrive on communication and honesty. My problem is that he likes to discuss the past a lot. While I understand the past helped us to get where we are, because of not-so-good memories, I don’t like harping on the past. Teddy wants to discuss every single minute detail of the past. I just can’t see why he would like to know everything.

I have been trying to disclose some things I’ve hidden way back in my closet. I do this because I want my relationship to flourish. Another reason I don’t mind trying is because he isn’t accusatory or judgmental, he genuinely wants to know all of me. There are some things I’ve told him that he could have easily thrown up in my face in the heat of a heated conversation, but he never goes that route.

Over the weekend, we had a ridiculous incident concerning Crazy-mf-ass-Kelley that could have ended us for good, but instead he stepped up to the plate like a real man and was there in full effect to support me. I am a very, very lucky woman.

And Then There Were Two...

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I am in a relationship now.I know, I didn't foresee that happening any time soon either. You guys will never guess who it is, are you thinking? Hmmm....obviously it is someone you'd know of....Give up??? Teddy!!!

Trust me; I was just as surprised as you. Back in January, he texted me out of the blue, apologizing for what happened. He asked how I was and wondered if I'd ever moved to Texas. I replied telling him I was fine and matter-of-factly, let him know that I did move.

I had mixed emotions about the whole situation. I expressed to you all that I liked him and how he vanished. I was upset with him but at the same time, curiosity had gotten the best of me and I wanted an explanation. After we texted a bit that afternoon, he asked me to call him. The conversation that evening was as dry as six month old fruit cake. I knew that my attitude was funking up the call, but at that point he was just asking me questions and not offering up any explanations.

Time went on and we began to get reacquainted with each other. The conversations eventually made their way back to how they were before his disappearing act. After a couple of weeks, he asked if he could take me out. I agreed and we made plans to spend a Saturday afternoon together.

Saturday came and I was nervous as ever. What would he think of me? Would he like me? Would I like him? All types of questions were running through my mind. Thing was, although we started talking early last summer, we had never actually met in person, so the pressure was definitely on my shoulders.

I had agreed to let him pick me up, but I wasn't sure I wanted him to know which exact apartment was mine, so I told him to wait in the car and I'd be down shortly. He showed up fifteen minutes early and I was not ready so he just had to sit out there and wait.

I got to his car and got in and hugged him. He smiled a warm smile and said hello and we headed out for our afternoon of fun. First, went bowling. He had bet me that I wouldn't win a game and if I did he'd take me to the mall, a place that he loathes. I'm happy to report that I won a game and the mall was our next outing of the day.

Teddy was the perfect shopping buddy that day. He held my bags, gave his opinion on a few things I tried on, all without one complaint. If he was trying to win brownie points with me, it was surely working.

Our last stop was dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant. We had a little table in the back of the restaurant, although I still think they put us back there because we were the only black couple there. Okay, I’m getting off track, so back to the story. Over our shared appetizer, he asked me if I was having a good time. I told him that I was and had no idea how the night would go. He said he had been nervous because of how he left things with us; he was unsure of how I’d act on our date. I assured him that I wouldn’t have agreed to go out with him, just to get him in public and embarrass him.

Once our meal arrived, he slowly but surely began to tell me what actually had been the cause of things ending with us. To pretty much sum things up, he began to doubt if he was good enough for me. Past relationships really did a number to his feelings and seeing as though I’d been through the same thing, I forgave him. The fact that he was man enough to apologize and actually admit his insecurities spoke volumes to me.
After that night all the feelings I had for him came rushing back. The hardest part for me when we stopped talking was wondering why things ended considering we got along so well. Things with us are better than I ever imagined before I moved here. We have the best time when we’re together, even if it’s just staying in for the day. I truly feel like in him, I have my soul mate.

I know this is all extra mushy and sometimes I still can’t believe I even feel this way, but I do. I’ve never actually been in love with someone, in a healthy relationship. I am truly thankful that I put my ego aside that day and replied to his text and more so that I agreed to go out with him. It’s funny that you never know what is in store for us, but I am happy that they came together like they did.

So far Teddy has met my sister and I am supposed to meet his mom soon, please keep me in your prayers! Lol!

As for my blogging, I promise to do better. I missed you all!

Grrr..

I've tried posting about the BFF's visit for the past half hour and Blogger is just working my nerves. I will just talk about my weekend and attempt to share his visit later.

This was a very busy weekend for me. I'd like to say one of the busiest weekends since I've been here. Guess what everybody! I went to a movie alone today! It was so liberating. I saw A.rmored and I really enjoyed it. I also went to church today, the mall and T.arget.

When I got home I started on laundry and a bit of cleaning, although it won't all get done today. Wanna hear something messed up? I bought a bottle of wine from the store that I was going to have with a bag of popcorn as dinner. Why oh why did I bust it as I got it out of the car?! If anyone happened to look out the window at that very moment, they would have saw a grown woman having a temper tantrum. I was so freaking mad but all I could think of was that must mean I wasn't supposed to have it.

I've been doing so much thinking lately. Thoughts all over the place. I am so sure some has to do with the new year upon us, I attribute the other portion to the fact that I'm in a new place and thinking about the unknown.

I had a real fear of the unknown when I was younger but this move has definitely taught me that when it is all said and done, as long as I'm obedient, I will be taken care of. I have been thinking about relationships a lot too. It's like I know that I want a husband and kids, but then I think of all I will be giving up. I cherish the little things, like being able to have the temperature in my place on the setting I want. I think about knowing that what is in my refrigerator when I leave for work will be there when I get off. I think about being able to come and go as I please now and how I will have to also let go of that.

Then all that thinking started to give me a headache so I pushed it aside for the time being. I have to say more than I am ready for a family, I actually have to be ready. There's a great guy in my life who wants all these things with me but at the same time it scares me.

This is too much thinking for a Sunday night. I hope everyone had a good weekend. With me not getting a signal at home the past couple of weeks, my blogging has been really scarce. I know that I need to just throw in the towel and subscribe but I didn't want to get cable/net and I haven't fuly furnished my place yet. But anyway, enough babbling.